Wednesday, August 18, 2010

What a day!

Yesterday was my country's 65th independence day, and of course, was a public holiday. Yippie! Glad to have a day off in the middle of the week. Monday was unusually felt like friday, because the day after we got a day off. And it's wednesday already, it's means, weekend is coming again! yippie! ( tsk, such a weekend oriented, am i? haha)

Actually, eventhough it was almost like a long weekend, i didnt feel like relaxing and refreshing, because of stuffs and things to do and to think about. Indeed, a stressful mind could be a real disaster for holiday, on the other hand, just only with a relaxed and calmed mind, you dont really need a holiday. What do you think?

Nevermind, i have some of my things done, and it cheered me up for a bit.

Yesterday, i had a big family dinner. My cousin was coming to Jakarta from abroad, and brought along his wife. They just got married, and were on their honeymoon. What excited me most, his wife is a truly european woman, which means, she couldnt speak bahasa, and there was a big chance for me to talk with a native. hahaha.


You know, i have wanted this for a long time, to be able to communicate well with natives (bule), and practice my english conversation skill. And, after this long time, even after going abroad for holidays, i still havent got courage to speak english to them, even if i got chance. Even when i was abroad, i didnt talk much and practice my conv skill. Why? Because, i was too afraid that they wouldnt understand what i was saying, and it would only be a disaster. Silly me, i know, but somehow i was too afraid to try, because i was afraid to make mistake and to get failed.

I wasnt very confidence with my conv skill. Writing, yes, but conv, i didnt have much courage even to answer my friends' or boyfriend's question in english. I wasnt confidence with my english, compared to them.

But, yesterday, for the first time i could talked freely with a native, and she (seemed to) understood what i was saying hahaha (called me norak, i dont care haha). My cousin even praised me for my confidence in speaking english! (what??really?)

I dont mean to brag, because i still feel my conv skill is poor. But, i am very glad that i got the chance, and it really boosted my confidence. At least, now i am more confident to talk in english, because i found out that they (natives) would still understand and dont really care about my grammatical error. The essence of communication is to tell what inside your mind, and as long as they understand, it's mean that you can communicate well. (either you can communicate it well, or it's just them who are smart enough to understand your language *LOL). Not that i didnt know it before. I knew it very well, but it's just me who didnt have courage until i made myself doing it for real. The will to take the first step is always hard, huh? Of course, i still have to practice my pronounciation and conv skill, but the more i do the practice, the better i will be, i believe.

I guess i should thank her much, because of her i got this courage. Her name is kathy, my cousin's wife. She is really a high spirited woman, very cheerful, and very friendly. She has such an amazing personality. She is a teacher, (and i believe she is a great one), she is really smart, she can talk many language fluently, like germany (her mother tongued), dutch, english, and she is learning indonesian now. wow. The moment i saw her, i like her instantly. Maybe it was her personality which made me finally got courage to speak english with her and my cousin (i could prefer to be silent, you know). She has such a nice personality that she seemed very interested in everything i was saying to her, always nodding her head while i was speaking (tho i didnt know for sure if she really understood hahaha), and giving me full attention while talking to me. and she did that to everyone who was talking to her. Such a nice woman. My cousin is very lucky to have her hahaha.

And that's a picture of us.


Looking foward to see u again, Kathy! Next time, we would take you to see places around jakarta.

And, once again, thank you Teacher! :)

Monday, August 16, 2010

Babbling, mumbling, whatever

Recently, i feel like i have no one to talk to. I know i should be the one to innitiate the conversation, to tell someone that i need to share what's inside me, and to be listened. But, somehow i feel like everyone's having their own problems, and seems like their problems are far more complicated than mine, so i shouldnt be bothered them even more by my problems, if they truly are problems.

I dunno if it's just me being melancholic, or else. Sometimes i feel that i always try my best to be there for others, for my loved ones. If i feel that they're having problems, or kinda in a bad mood, i ask them, if they're okay, and what happened to them. Ask them about their life, and about their daily stuffs. I do that because i love them, and i just wanna be there for them. I wasnt expected anything in return, actually. Just do that to show them that i care. But, sometimes, my egoistic and melancholic part want them to treat me like i do to them. To merely ask me about my day, to ask me if i am okay, and to initate the conversation. But sadly, again i have to face the truth that you cant expect anything from anyone.

I didnt tell them my problems just because i didnt want to bother them. On the other side, they think that i was too happy, and having no problem at all, so they didnt feel like telling me their problems, coz they think i wouldnt be able to understand them; my -problem-less life wouldnt understand their full-of-problems' life. Sometimes life could be really funny, couldnt it?

Knowing somone's problems sometimes could make me hesitate to tell them about mine, coz, compared to theirs, my problems seems like so tiny, and i shouldnt be fuzzed about that. Well, i am trying my best to handle my own problems, what's inside my head, and on the same time, supporting others for their problems. But, sometimes i just need a pair of ears who are willing to listen to me. Not halfheartedly, not to tell me what to do, but just to truly listen to me; without i need to ask. but maybe i am just asking too much. Coz people said, they are not mind reader, you need to ask them what you need them to do. Yes, i understand that, but, cant i just wish that sometimes they would understand, without i need to ask? No? Oh, hell, whatever.

You know, sometimes, a simple "Hello, are you okay?" could really brighten my day and my mood. Just to be reminded that i am remembered and loved.

But again, somehow, life is all about understanding others, without really expecting to be undestood. Isn't it?