me and my job

If you noticed, i never talked about my job, and this is my first post about my job. Why? I dunno, i just dont like to talk about it, because maybe i am still struggling about it, if it was the right job, and if it was the right 'company'. Why did i write 'company', i'll tell you later.

I am actually an interior designer. But, to be honest, i dont feel like one, far from it. I dont think myself can be considered as a designer. Why? Because i am not creative enough, I dont have a certain typical designer's style and characteristic. You know, you can tell if someone is a truly designer by their appearance, they usually have a distinguished style, dont you think? And if you looked at me, i bet you cant tell that i am a designer. Beside, i dont like if someone asked me to be a part of decoration team at my church, i dont like decorating. And i cant tell something as a good design or not, i can only tell if i like it or not, because i think everyone has their own taste and preferences, and there is nothing like an excellent and extraordinary design. it's bad, because i cant choose for someone else, because what i think nice maybe not nice for someone else, beside, even it's hard for me to choose and decide for myself haha.

I feel bad, i dont think i fit this profession, i dont think i can do this for the rest of my life, and i dont think i have what people called passion in this job. I dont have a dream company, and i cant imagine myself having my own bussiness. even when someone offer me a freelance job, i was really afraid and i didnt dare to accept the offer, i even didnt want to try. why? because im scared. Scared that i would fail. And i feel worse because my parents had paid a lot for my study, and actually i graduated with a good mark (thanks to Him of course). i really dont know what's wrong with me and what should i do.

I have working as an interior designer for almost 2 years, and i havent found myself really enjoying it. i have much flaws. my boss always said that i am lack about details. I know that, but i dont know how on earth i can improve my details about everything. What i mean about details is put attention into small details, like when you meet someone, you should remember what kind of shirt she wore, what kind of hairstyle she has, what color of her shoes, etc, and i am not that kind of person who can remember details. but in my field of work, details like that are very important. i can easily forget what i have seen before, and it can cause a big mistake. then if my boss told me something like, this house design at this magazine is very amazing, you know, i cant find which part is amazing. and if he told me that he found something interesting in a book, then asked me to guess it, i really cant guess it. i dont know why something is called a good design. really i dont know. and it's frustating. feels like something really wrong with myself.

i work for someone who is working as a freelance architect. This is not his main bussiness, and he only does this as his hobby. He and his wife are still young, only 5-6 years older than me. They are really a nice person, they want me to find my design characteristic, and willing to help me to be a good designer. They also encourage me to be independent and have my own company one day. That's why he gave me a deadline, i can only work with him for 5 years. What kind of boss i have haha. You know, i am really grateful to have that kind of boss, it's hard to find a good one nowadays, isnt it? And that's why i told you before that i am working for a 'company', because technically it's not a company, i just working for someone.

On one side, i have a lot of flexibilities, i have fixed work time, but if i have something to do i can only ask my boss permission, so my time is flexible, as long as i have my work done. I dont have to do overtime, i can wear casual shirt and pants for work (because i rarely meet the clients directly), and over here i dont have much workload, so i can use my time to do something else. Also because i work almost every project from the beginning, i can learn much for the whole project. i can learn what to do to be a freelancer. it's very useful for my future if one day i decide to be independent (if only).

but on the other side, i have to pushed myself to learn something new, because i dont have much project (only about 1 project per year), so there is a lot of time when i have nothing to do. sometimes i feel like i waste my time here, but i know actually i can maximize my time with learning something else about design, there is always something new to learn, isnt it. And also i am single fighter over here, there is only me working as his assistant, and sometimes i get bored because i dont have any friends to talk. Yes i can find my friend and chat online, but maybe it would be different if i have colleagues. Technically im not alone in this office, because there are two more person working at his house as his admin staffs (for his other bussiness). But still, it think it would be nice to have someone to discuss about my work, and they understand very well.

Until now i am still struggling whether i should move or i should stay. I have pros and cons. So far i still decide to stay, because my job now isnt stressful, near from home, and i have much spare time to do something else, and also i dont know where i should work if i decided to move. But sometimes i am tempted to move to a bigger company, and gaining more knowledge, but, as you know, it;s not easy to look for a job, i dont feel confidence with my skill, and it;s hard to leave my comfort zone. Argh, it's frustating somehow, i dont know what to do and what i should do with this life.

if you asked me, do i like interior design itself? Well, i like it, at least i used to like it. sometimes i think because i consider interior design as a job, i cant think of it as freely as before. i cant think designing as a hobby, and as something that i like. i always like designing a house at the sims game (do you know game the sims? it's about controlling someone's life, including building their house), and i used to like going to a store like Mitra 10, index, etc. i still like index, but at some time, i dont even want to go in because it reminded me of my job. i guess i have to change my mind and perspective. i have to try to love design, to find my burried love about designing. Sometimes it's also frustating to be a person who thinks about almost everything hahaha.

So, what i should do now? My boss and his wife (his wife is also an interior designer btw) always urged me to think outside the box, to think about something new. He told me that he really likes my final project, but why he hasnt find that kind of design on my work until now? well, i dont know either. i dont know how come i can design like that for my final project. What i know, while i work i havent performed my best until now, i can feel it, i know i can do better. But how? hahaha. My boyfriend said that i need competitor. If i have none, i will be just like i am now, bored, lack of progress, and i will be encouraged to do better if i have someone to compete. Maybe he's right. Somehow i have such an ego that i dont want to be underestimated and i dont want to lose. And since i work alone, i dont have coworkers to be compared with, and maybe i feel "safe".

A couple of days ago, i was told again by my boss and his wife. He even said that he already get bored with my design. Uh oh, that's not good. And i think that's enough. i have to do something. i have to improve myself, i have to show them what i've got, at least i have to try to give everything that i can. If i think about my final project, i know that i have done what i could for it, i have gone all out, and in the end, i dont really care for the result. And apparently i got a good mark too. I guess it's what i should do now, to go all out, to do everything that i can. The result is up to Him.

From my past experience, this kind of things happenned a couple of times to me. To be underestimated at the beginning, failing again and again and again, doing what i think as my best but still failed, and at the end, i can only surrender to Him, i can only do what i can do, without daring to think about the result. And after that rejection and failiure, i found my self get better, get a better marks, and in the end i understand that i need to be rejected and feel the failure first, so i will understand that what i've got is all because of Him. Otherwise i may think that i can because i can, while the truth is, it's all about His grace and love.

Suddenly i feel very blessed, and feels like He directly say to me that it's okay to feel this way now, to feel uncapable,to feel helpless, and clueless; because He, Himself will help me, and will do the finishing touch. I dont need to worry about anything, about my future, i dont have to think over and over again if it's the right job, because i dont need to, because what matter most is i do what i can while i have time. The rest, He will take care of it.

Thank You Lord that i have You, i know i should be reminded everyday and everytime that i dont need my own strength, because it wont be enough, that's why i have to fully depend on You. Thank you.


*at the beginning, i write this just because i need to let go of my emotion and as a way of self talk,
but at the end, miracously i find myself feel blessed, and be reminded of His love. Isnt He wonderful? :)